Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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