true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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