so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
