Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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