I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
