My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
