I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i think my mom watched the whole time
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
