Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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