I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The air was thick with penises
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
my poor anus
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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