Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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