How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
