Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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