I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
