I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
