evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
