weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
