i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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