I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
