Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
