Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Randomize
