You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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