i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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