I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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