well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
