dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
