some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
