Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
