11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
