Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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