She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
