Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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