I can text with my tongue
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
