His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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