No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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