Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
