walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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