It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Randomize
