Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
