Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
