im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
