She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
