He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize