Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
