im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think my moral compass just broke
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
