Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
