just tell him i said nine months
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
