the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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