it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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