hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
