wrigley field is MILF paradise
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
