my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
