just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
