VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wear drunk well.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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