I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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