i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
