How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
