If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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