He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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