I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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