nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize